[no, this is not an entry demanded by baby ZaV]

i feel especially emotional tonight, and thought i should really spend some time reflecting on what has happened during the past month.

this is a documentation as well as a conclusion of everything.
it shall be.

thereafter, baby ZaV shall be the one and only one.
no more wild or confused thoughts about anyone else.

this is what i call commitment - one of the most critical elements i so value in relationships.

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it has, indeed, been a turbulent month.

there were ups and downs.
i was happy, then unhappy and confused, then happy again.

in my pursuit of happiness, i ended up hurting a nice and valuable someone - someone whom i thought would be "the one" if not for zav's re-entry into my life.

this is definitely the nastiest thing i have ever done. i am guilty.

never in my life had i imagined i would ever be doing this to others.
very frankly speaking, at times like this, i begin to ponder what is nice about me.
i start to feel worthless.
never thought i possess this power to destruct people's lives like this, and for the first time, i felt that the ability to let people fall head over heels with me is definitely NOT a "nice-to-have".

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i learned, and grew.

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have never supported the ideology that one's love may be distributed among multiple parties.
yet, it happened to me, somehow.

i started to understand how my previous relationship failed so miserably, and i felt for myself the struggles involved in complicated triangular emotional connections.

despite having said so, i would hereby re-emphasize my philosophy that monogamy remains as a holy virtue that is absolutely necessary in relationships.
while it may (now proven by me) possible to fall in love with more than one person at any one point of time, commitment is the element that stops one from doing so when he/she is attached.

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i still cannot bring myself to accept the common saying that love is selfish and that hurting someone in one's pursuit of happiness is unavoidable.

no, no one ought to be sacrificed in any way under any kind of situation.

what i can come to terms with is the fact that i ought to let go if i know i can never love you as much as i love her.

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yes, i am happy.
as i type along, i can so vividly visualize baby ZaV's smiles and lovely eyes in my mind.

if i could, i would love to give her a peck on her forehead, and rest my hands on her heart, assuring my baby that she is safe with me beside her.

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although you may never get to read this, i would still like to dedicate the following message to you>>>

dear cal,

please trust me when i say i never meant to hurt you like this.
you may never understand how glad i am to once have you in my life, but i indeed am.
although what we share may be nothing more than 2 weeks of memories, they will stay with me for a lifetime. this i promise.
we have came to the end. this really is the final ending i am going to put to our story.
move on, because there will always be a special someone who is waiting for you at somewhere not too far away; fear not, because i am with you, just as you would always be a part of my memories.
i wish you happiness, just as you granted me mine.
i am happy, i really am.
thank you for loving me...

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melancholy is invading the air.
i can hardly breathe.

but i know that tomorrow would be yet another brand new day for baby ZaV and i.
i just know how happiness and contentment would fill me when you look into my eyes.

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baby,

please rest assured that i have entirely left the past behind me.
from now on, i am totally yours, just as you are completely mine.
i love you~