*AN EMOTIONAL POST*

Actually, i can be back in singapore as early as next week. I was still feeling happy this afternoon after i talked to the company and they have no problem with me working from SG and continuing to develop the applications for them.

But, i'm now having second thoughts. Should i really leave after just 5 weeks?

Some stuffs are holding me back.

I think my trip here made me realise something. Some normal, everyday life's stuffs that somehow, i just failed to realise when i was back in singapore.

Suddenly, i see so clearly how much i matter or do not matter to people all around me.

My dad was the one who missed me the most, i would say. During the first week i came over, he called me almost everyday to ask if i have had my meals, met any problem at work or miscellaneous stuffs like that. I know that he'll be very, very upset if i'm really not around, as in DEAD. Probably as upset as when CindY passed away. And maybe, he'll take another year or two to get over the death of another daughter. LOL~ Now, after i've been here for coming to 4 weeks, he still calls once or twice every week to check on me.

To some people out there, such frequent calls may be disturbing or even irritating. But to me, they are just so precious. You may say i'm an attention-lover, but my philosophy is to say it when i feel it. I dont want to face another dead body and say "i love you" in my life again. Never.

Although mum didnt call me as frequently, probably because she doesnt know how to make use of an international calling card and also because she have always been more "independent" somehow, she made efforts to call and update me on her condition after the operation. I was mean on several ocassions, because i yelled at her over BoObOO's death. Still, she helped me get to the bottom of the matter although the wound on her hand have not even completely recovered.

Ever since i came over, there are three persons who suddenly became so "close" to me, virtually. They are my bro, sam and DoubleMin.

Bro didnt used to really chat with me on a daily basis. But when i first came over, he came online everyday (that is not his habit) no matter how late it was, just to talk to me for that few minutes before we turn in. GoR gOr, you're appreciated! =)

Then there's sam. Perhaps because she's online for a substantial amount of time everyday, we ended up talking very often via msn. I would teach her some academic stuffs, edit her reports and talk about all kinds of nonsense like calling her a handicapped dino. LOL~ The words we have exchanged during the past 4 weeks may have far exceeded the words we have spoken to each other during the past 2 years since we got acquainted.

Then there's DoubleMin. Frankly speaking, she's the first one i turn to when i have any problem here nowadays. She's practically online and there for me from the moment i switch on my computer at 830 in the morning till 43o in the evening when she knocks off. DoubleMin will be ending her attachment next week, so i reckon i'll have one less person to chat to from then onwards. When i'm really free at work, we can chat for solid 8 hours per day! WahAHa...I wonder why distar is paying me to chat...

Unfortunately, the persons whom i would most love to chat with are usually unavailable. Est-the-imp, being a 3rd year student (finally), is always too caught up with academic work. Although we talked online quite frequently during my first week or so, the conversations stopped with increasing deceleration because she started to need to meet project deadlines.

Then there's someone whom i call my gf. Sigh~

We've been on the phone three times since i came here, and each conversation was less than 3 mins. The first was when she returned my missed call on the night i arrived. I was very happy. The second was when i called to tell her i couldnt make it online because my network was down. That call probably lasted for less than 1min. Still, i was happy to hear her voice because i missed her so much. The most recent call was when she called to tell me how much she hates my family and how pissed she was. No, in fact, it wasnt a call from her. It was a call from est-the-imp using her hp. Over the hp, i got to know that my poor BoObOo was discarded and dead. That was a bad bad time. I was very upset.

So, i start to ponder what is happening. There were times when she brought me happiness because of the simple sms-es she sent. Well, for someone of her nature, sending some overseas sms may be considered a great deal. She usually send me none when we're apart, as in physically. I should prbably say, that she is too "independent" a lover. And i start to wonder, if my departure makes any difference to her at all. It has been about 30 days since i left. I heard a "i miss you" once. I'm sure i've said that exact sentence more than 30 times.

She did bother to "report" (as she would call it) once or twice. She sent sms-es to inform that she's watching some movie with friends or having supper with cousins. But, she didnt really make the effort to chat with me as frequently as i thought she would. I didnt get to "see" her at all over the past month. I requested to have a video conference but failed. She said her web cam broke down.

I really missed her alot.

Probably she didnt know that.

As i type away, i suddenly dont miss her anymore. But i'm weird, maybe by the time i put a full-stop to this sentence, she'll be missed once again.

I'm alone in my room now. I'm already used to being alone, somehow. I'll just catch some hk drama online and spend my night like that.

Previously, i waited online for us to be able to have a chat or at least tell her i love her in real time almost everyday. Last night, i waited once again, and i even sent her an internet sms to say i'll be waiting.

I didnt get to talk to her yesterday.

Tonight, i wont be waiting anymore.