The previous entry was to mark my 23rd birthday celeb. Now is the time for some personal stuffs.

I don't know whether my efforts can be seen or even felt. I was happy tonight, and yet not happy at the same time. Looking at her and yet knowing that she's no longer my girl hurts. I tried to smile, because the persons in front of me are all making efforts to make my birthday a nice one. Yet, i knew my smiles were not sincere, not even those for which i posed for pictures were.

I was really happy that she made the dinner such a luxurious one, because she don't usually spend so much.

Recalling the dinner venue, i remember she once made a booking at swissotel for us to celebrate a special ocassion. I was excited and happy about the stay, but made her cancelled it in the end, because i thought it would be a rather waste of money. That was V-Day 2006, our first V-Day and perhaps the last as well.

V-Day was spent at home this year round. I had a saddening V-Day a month ago. Was wailing to myself at home, but never made it known to anyone. I wonder how she spent hers.

I "pushed" her again. She is really like her sister. As her sister had advised me a few days ago, "pushing turns off". Still, i decided to "push" for an outcome.

I said i'll probably die off if this goes on for the next two weeks. She predicted my persistence may last for that additional amount of time.

Well, i do know that i will not die. But maybe, this some part of me may die off eventually. Like how she "locked" those stuffs, they may just die away in my breathing body.

Sadistic description.

She said she waivered again tonight, but when i put on a sulky face again during the later half of the night, she confirmed she wouldnt return to where we used to be.

Well, i just couldnt persist in that sense. I couldnt make myself not display my sadness when it hurts so badly inside. Once again, i admire how she did that previously.

I suppose her current firm stand against returning to me roots from the pains and hurts i've previously brought her, just as the lyrics in the previous entries goes.

What can i do to undo the sufferings you've been through?

She strongly advised me not to give in simply because i wanted to patch things up. She warned that she can be mean. I didnt really believe then, neither do i believe now.

She's usually a gentle person, because she's too lazy to be un-gentle. That costs strength, to a certain extent. I cant really make myself believe she can be very mean, as mean as she described earlier.

It feels like i'm falling in love all over again, with the exact same person. The kinda emotions i feel so strongly reflects those i felt when we got close initially. Those longings to see her, to hear her voice, to make her breakfasts, to bring her snacks at wherever she may be having tuition and ...I feel like sms-ing her every single little thing i encounter in my life, just as how she would even sms to tell me that she met a smelly indian on the bus.

Those days were beautiful.

The current times are toturous for me, yet happy and nice for her.

How did things come to such an end?

I know, and yet dont know.