U must be happy & not be angry..
Path is not always wonderful, but u can make it colorful..
Take things easy & dun drive yrself to insanity..
Dark clouds will go away & happiness will come yr way..

That was something Aunty FeL wrote to cheer me up previously. I checked through my entries during the past months just to find the poem. It was given to me on 24th June. That's almost 3 months ago.

I miss the character - Aunty FeL.

When there was Aunty FeL, i didn't had dear dear. I was not attached, yet there was someone who was always there. I was not alone most of the time. Should i need a listening ear or a friend to be there, i could have simply logged onto MSN and Aunty FeL would be there for me. Then, her replies were always prompt. I sensed sincerity in Aunty FeL.

Slowly and sadly, Aunty FeL left and dear dear came into my life.

Now that i have dear dear and am officially attached, i feel 'alone' most of the time, ironically. When chatting via MSN, i know that the focus will never be on me. It'll be computer games. That's why i kinda hate Maple Story. Dear dear's computer is also the second item on my hate-list. That sounds childish, but...let it be. And, I ought to feel loved, but i don't.

Had a good time talking to Ju last night. She was the one who celebrated the Mid-Autumn festival with me. We toasted with the coconuts anyway.

Ju was really nice, to have been there when i was sooo angry and agitated that tears couldn't stop rolling down. Not a bit of sadness, but i was fuming to the extent whereby i wished i could just grab anything dangerous and throw it at dear dear. Yup, i did say 'dear dear'. Your eyes did not play a trick on you.

I was so freaking angry yesterday. Even called pal and shouted at her at the top of my voice over the phone to at least let out 1% of my anger.

Thanks pal, you're the best i could ever have!

So how could i have accumulated soooo much anger that i feel like killing the one i love?
( I did feel like killing her! And i did consider killing trina too. )
Here the list goes:

1. I was angry over the fact that no one was there to spend the festival with me. Not dear dear, who ended work like 5 hrs earlier than expected!

Yesterday was the WORST Mid-Autumn festival in my ENTIRE LIFE!
FucK!

I know most of us do not really bother and may not even know when the festival fall on. In fact, Ju asked if the festival is also the Valentines Day for the Chinese. LOL! That's supposedly the 15th of the first lunar month!

Okie, back to the topic of the festival not being significant to many. BUT, it does mean something to me! Since young, papa and mama made it a point to celebrate the festival. We'd carry lanterns, go to the 'ge tais' and start creating fires which we later realize cannot be put out. Haha! I remember how Cindy and i almost created a fire disaster when i was 10 yrs old! We started burning candles, i mean bundles of candles, at somewhere near the rubbish chute, and later had BIG problems extinguishing the flames. Ran away from the scene of crime ( aka an fa xian chang ) as if we were chased by a hundred big dogs then.

Hmmm...
Nice memories.
Memories of those days with my cute little sis.
Haizzz... ... ...
=Sobz=

Then, as i moved on to secondary school as a teen, the festival was always well spent with friends who were so dear to me. It was a night of laughter and fun. Each year on that fateful day, we would make a trip to punggol park and have a great time playing with 'fireworks', lanterns and not to forget, candles! Fires, i mean. LOL!

Then, as i moved on to polytechnic as a young adult, it was a yearly event for my clique to visit 'Yu Hua Yuan', Chinese Garden, as the festival approached. We would take hundreds of nice photos and have a great time appreciating the 'cai deng'.

Last year, the festival was spent with Ade. She knows how much i value the festival and made it a point to visit Chinese Garden with me. We saw lotsa Hello Kitty 'cai deng' then. Took lotsa pics which i still have with me now.

The valid point is, i did tell FeL how much the festival means to me. Yet, she did nothing. Nothing to try to make the festival a nice one, if not as nice as previously, for me. And when i asked her along to Fisherman Village with Ju and me, she commented we were crazy to be leaving to eat at such a faraway place.

2. I read FeL's blog before leaving my place to meet up with Ju. Her blog entry was what really triggered the 'explosion'.

She wrote, she could just say anything she like when she was with trina, but now have to be careful of her words because i'm always pissed. The first message which was delivered to my over-sensitive and active brain was, "She IS happier with trina". Next, my fucking brain got the message saying "She could spend nice time talking by the river with trina, but not with me. She does nothing but sleep when she's with me."

I lost control when the second message was delivered and sank in. It was then i called up pal to scream and make myself feel 1% more comfortable.

As fume and anger kept coming into and circulated within my mind, more and more issues arose, perhaps only within me. She doesn't really bother, anyway.

Told Ju about all the feelings i had inside. I managed to say what i wanted to, but not to the person who ought to know how i feel. Felt much better after pouring out my sorrows. But, at the same time, i felt like there was no point in carrying on. I was at the bottom of the valley, and just couldn't go any lower anymore. That was why the sms from FeL late last night did not even have the slightest impact. Previously, i will always give assurance or give in or explain myself when she sense or comment or complain that i'm pissed again. Last night, i deleted the sms and got to sleep.

Didn't feel like providing any explanations.
Not any, not at all.

I'm not like Ade, who really has great perseverance. I can't make myself stay by a person's side for 2 years and silently hope that the person will one day appreciate and love me in return. I know i can't. It's been almost 3 months, and i know i can't hold on much longer. Unless something is returned, i can't make myself carry on. It's far too tiring.

Nowadays, i feel like i'm constantly 'mistreating' myself in a way. I make myself give in to anything and everything, even if it means i'll be unhappy inside. I'm always trying to make FeL happy, always putting her before myself. I plan my tuition schedule according to hers so that i can spend more time with her without having her change her lesson plan, an act which she detest to the core; i rot my time away at her place because she's a homely person and wouldn't want to get her ass out of the house unless necessary; i put her before my studies, my family, my friends, my everything. I guess i'm the one who love her the most, or at least dote on her the most, so far. Sadly, she's the one who loves me the least and treats me in the least nice manner so far. Perhaps i shall hereby conclude that she really is my retribution.

Having to learn to compromise with each other when a new relationship starts out may be one issue, but it shouldn't be the case whereby i'm always the one compromising. What have she done so far? I can't tell that she have done any, except for making effort to come up with lies so that she can keep staying over at my place. Then again, sleeping is almost all she does here.

Can anybody actually understand how i feel?

I guess i'll know what kinda response i can expect from FeL when she reads this. She'll probably send a sms asking me if i want to end things. Let's see.