Came back from a karaoke session. I should be feeling good now. That is usually how i feel after singing. But i'm not, not at all, not tonight.

The KTV session was organised by dad's friends. It was supposed to be a celebration for his 47th birthday which has arrived as at now. Happy Birthday, dad! When the clock struck twelve, the manager of the lounge came into the room with a birthday cake and dimmed the lights. Acted according to those uncles' plan. The birthday song was played and sang and i could see smiles on all faces. Then, dad's friends came up to him, one after another, to offer a toast. I thought dad was quite alright. ( Dad's friends kept telling me how my dad was having such a good time. Obviously, i knew he wasn't. ) So he stood up from his seat and began to go around the kinda huge KTV room, toasting. Just when i was about to capture a shot of the happy moment, the scene which was captured was instead dad's crying face. He went back to his seat, with tears rolling down his cheeks. He tried to cover his crying face with his weak hands, but all of us saw what he didn't want us to witness.

Dad wailed.

He did.

He told everyone how much he misses the little baby of the family.

He said he simply can't get himself across the hurdle.

He cried.

Mum cried.

I didn't.

In fact, i was kinda pissed. Why can't he just have a nice birthday? Not even for the sake of all people who tried sooo hard to make the celebration a nice one?

Perhaps it's wrong for me to say this, but i fucking hate it when he cries.

I didn't know what to do.

Sat besides the crying man, expression-less, most probably.

Consolations poured in. The crying man refused to hear. Chose to sleep right in front of everyone. Everyone, unfortunately, knew he was not really sleeping. They continued to talk.

One hour passed.

Dad woke and slept and woke and slept.

Consolations turned into scoldings. Some scolded him for making mum cry, some called him a coward for refusing to come to terms with reality, others said he is not a man. No harsh tones or shoutings, though.

I remained as pissed as ever.

Man, Zhiwei, Boy sang. They tried not to take part in whatever conversations which went on among the uncles.

I sat at the corner with my dad and all uncles all that while.

Dad woke up again.

He said this to me, "I'm still missing your sister until this very moment". He said that in a very sarcastic tone, as if he was reprimanding me for not crying like what he was doing.

I said, "Who doesn't miss her? Can you just stop having the mindset that you're the only one who doted on her? We all love her, but lifes go on." I said a lot more, but i can't remember all of those sentences i have said.

I really hate it when he says we don't understand him and that he's always crying and it's just that we don't know it when he cries.

I said, "It's also the same for me. I'm not crying now because i have to be the strong one. Do i have to go around telling people that i'm sad over what has happened? For goodness's sake, you don't have to mention anything and people will know that we are sad!"

What the fuck?

I hate that!!!

If this goes on, i'll hate the family!

Love will be reserved only for my lovable sis who will always live in my heart. No one else!

Can you just be strong and move on, dad?

Anyway, Happy 47th Birthday, once again.

I hate the fact that my bro cannot be around. But even if he could, i'm unsure if he will live up to my expectations. What expectations? I don't even know the answer to that question myself.

In actual fact, i used to play the role of my dad, as in, when the incident first happened, i expected my bro to be sad and cry. I expected him not to step out of the house and go on a shopping trip or what.

But now, i know that should not be the case.

We should all move on.

Enough about what has happened tonight.

Pal and pal-the-2nd came over to my place this evening. Asked them along for the KTV session but both rejected my invitation, on the basis of having to wake up early tomorrow morning. But it was okay, seriously.

I'm finally completing the gift i'm preparing for dad. All i've gotta do now is to wait till the battery finish charging. Then i'll take a video for my part and compile everything into a CD-R. Hopefully, i'll be able to convert it to a VCD at the shop across the road tomorrow morning. I want dad to be able to view it on TV, not on my PC screen.

It has been a long time since bro called me at night.

I didn't eat alot today, only had my one and only meal at noon time. Drank alot though. Feel so bloated now.