My heart sank to the bottom.

Once again, i'm standing at the bottom of the valley all by myself.

I'm alone.

I have developed phobias unknowingly. And i do hope they won't be around forever.

Went to Ikea this evening after my tuition sessions with Papa, Mummy and da sao. While we were travelling along CTE, i heard the sounding of siren. I knew it was ambulance siren. I just knew it somehow. Turned around and, indeed, saw an ambulance approaching in the opposite direction.

Images came to my mind.

I know that my poor little baby was all alone on the ambulance that night. I know.

I wish i could tear; i wish to have my tears flow freely; i want to cry.

But i couldn't.

All these while, sadness came to me without the companionship of tears. I don't like that.

I am filled with fear. I really am.

If not for the fact that my dad and mum were with me, i wouldn't want to step into Queensway. I so fear that place. Realized that only after i made a trip there with pal a week ago. Now, i've yet discovered another phobia of mine. Ambulance siren fills my pathetic heart with extreme fear.

I want to escape from everything; i want to get out of this place; i want to start anew, but i can't.

I'm the only one who can be by my parents' side at this point of time. They need me.

Bro can't be around, so it's just me, and me alone.

On the way back from Ikea, Cindy was mentioned in our conversations again.

I so long to hear her call me 'jie jie' once again. I really really really do. And i want that to just come from her. No one else.

I want to call her a 'bitch' for one last time, right at her face. She said this before, "You're the only one in this whole wide world who can call me a 'bitch' and yet have me smiling at you without the slightest anger in my mind."

Where are you now, my little lovable 'bitch'?

Outsiders can never know. Nobody will know. Not even my bro. Someone told me my bro would understand exactly how i feel. But he won't, as a matter of fact. He lost one of his two sisters. I lost my one and only one baby sis. Nobody in this fucking world will ever call 'jie jie' again. No one at all!

Cindy,

Jie jie still misses u alot... ...